Thursday, February 11, 2010

Oh, the unspeakable glamour of my life...

Here's two words you DON'T want to hear in the same sentence: "spilled" and "poo".

My Gorgeous Gal, who will be 3 in May, has recently started taking herself off to the toilet and can complete the whole process independently (yay!) as long as she's not wearing tricky buttoned shorts etc. This is usually A Good Thing.

Today, notsomuch.

While I was out at the clothesline earlier this afternoon, I heard a very upset GG call me in. So I head inside and ask her, "What happened?".

"I spilled some poo-poo".

I had initially been a little sun-dazzled when I walked inside, and couldn't see properly, so I thought to myself, "Oh, no worries, I'll just pick up the poo, and grab some of those nifty disinfectant floor wipes I found at the shops."

What lay before me when I rounded the corner into the bathroom will give the non-parents reading (if they made in this far, in fact) nightmares. GG had obviously eaten something that didn't agree with her, and had, being the very good girl she is, taken herself to the loo to take care of the situation. The fact she didn't quite make it is not her fault. The fact that half her digestive tract exploded all over the toilet and adjoining powder room floor is not her fault. Nonetheless, this incident scared her, and what do 2 year old little girls do when they're scared?


They run away...

Down the (carpeted) hallway.


So here's the situation before me... GG, who I can now see has runny poos running down her leg, standing in the bathroom, pointing at a sight straight out of a Steven King novel. She's also pretty upset.

I assure GG it's okay, it's not her fault, don't worry, we'll sort it out and clean it up, lickety-split. all while I am thinking "How on Earth am I going to clean this up, where do I even start? Screw it, we'll have to move."

So I pick GG up and hover-carry her into the bath, hose her off with one of those little rubber hose things, put her in the shower while I clean the bath, run a bath, put her in that to splash and play while I spot-spray the carpet, use a forest worth of paper towel wiping up the floor, door, behind the door (WTF!??! How'd it get there?), toilet bowl, behind the toilet bowl, sling the bathmat into some Napi-San, clean the carpet, disinfect the aforementioned surfaces, mop the floor and shower floor for good measure.

You know what really freaks me out?

That none of this freaked me out. I mean, isn't that just a little bit weird? Before kids, I wasn't exactly prissy - I remember being half-way through assisting a vet operating to spay a collie and asking to go to lunch when we were done - but cleaning a poo-covered room would definitely have rated on my gag-ometer. Now, nuthin'.

I have been de-sensitised by the cumulative bucketloads of bodily functions I have had thrown up on me, leaked onto me and squirted at me. They start you off with those (comparatively) innocuous newborn poos and milky vom-voms and gradually get you to the point where vomit all over your sheepskin underlay is a minor annoyance in your day (another story - beware of tummy bugs and co-sleeping).

This is obviously evolution at it's best, otherwise the forest would be full of sweet little wee ones being raised by wolves, having been abandoned by their human mummies after their first nappy explosion.



  1. laughing laughing laughing hysterically (though scared scared scared hysterically - I see my future - thank GOD we chose tiles)
    Love the moving house consideration. I would SO move house if that happened hahaha... you are right though some mechanism in us allows us to deal with it when "shit happens!"

  2. Isn't it amazing the things we suddenly don't mind when we become parents? I remember my 2 y.o. son having a very phlegmy cold, which i had to deal with in public ... non parent friends were horrified ...

    On a plus note though, I suddenly discovered how creative I am ...

  3. It is indeed amazing how we "morph" into creatures we no longer recognize when we become parents.

    And the funny thing also lose it as they get older. Now that 2 out of three of mine are well into their teens...when one of them gets sick it makes me gag. Hell, 5 years ago they could barf in my mouth and it wouldn't bother me.

  4. I'm sorry to say I laughed... and I'm sure karma will come and bite me one day.
    All in a days work hey... i think when theres no choice it amazing what you can do

  5. That barely registered a blip on my gross-o-meter. Must mean my "mommy" is showing. Before baby, if I would have read that I would have probably gagged.

  6. So true!! What are children make us capable of is simply astounding .... in a good and bad way.

  7. Non-parent here and you've absolutely grossed me out! I've dealt with wet beds and vomit with the step-kids, but poo is definitely Dad's area of responsibility!

  8. Oh bless. Good girl that little GG (who, btw, is only a month younger than my James)... hugs to her for getting herself to the loo. What a frightening thing for her.

    I am 100% with you about not being phased by that stuff anymore. I think as soon as our children leave the womb we're given these special puke-resistant powers.

  9. Oh there is nothing like a good old fashioned "poo-splosion". My daughter had something similar once on a plane ride, then...the terminal...then the car rental the car...the hotel lobby...I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming. lol
    Thanks for sharing!

  10. Ah, the joy of No. 3's (the poo explosions)

    It didnt bother you for one simple reason - its YOUR KIDS.

    Anyone else's poo would have you moving FOR SURE.

    Other people's kids (even neices and nephews) are way gross! And if hubby is sick? ewwww!

    Luckily for mankind, the poo gods made your childrens poo clean. Even cleaner than your own.

  11. The first thing I thought was, "gotta get that kid in the shower and hose her off." Hmmm, we moms must think alike. My second thought was, "at least in the bathtub/shower, it'll be easier to clean up".

    Who woulda thunk that things like this would cease to amaze us parents?

  12. I SO know what you're talking about! While I have never really been squeamish at all, since having children and taking care of my MIL's diapers and bedpans, I, sincerely, think there is nothing that could bring on the gag reflex.


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