Dear Sir / Madam

The job application I wish I could write...

Good Morning Not-Boss-but-Person-Landed-with-the-Job-of-Screening-Resumes,

I would like to apply for the part time admin job you have advertised in ShitKicker Weekly.

I have not attached my resume, as everyone who's seen it has decided I'm over-qualified. I probably am, but that was pre-child. You see, I'm a Mum now, and therefore have forfeited any ego I might have in regards to my career in order to balance working and raising my daughter.

So, here's everything you need to know:

Not only am I well versed in computer programs, I am fully compliant with office politics - from knowing how to avoid the sleazy old guy to pacifying the old duck who has been there for years and thinks everybody is after her job.

Forget my typing speed, what's really important is that I am the fastest draw in the West when you need to be on the phone to avoid the whiny sales guy who has a beef with everybody.

You think I will only stay a few years, then move on - well guess what, that 16 year old you'd rather hire 'cos she's cheaper isn't really planning on sticking around to retirement. Trust me, I NEED a job, I won't chuck it because my boyfriend decided to go surfing in Bali and I wanna go with him.

I will file, make coffee and clean up the kitchen that everybody dumps their crap in.

I have experience in juggling 17 different things at once. When I'm on the phone and pulling up reports on the computer whilst using my toes to reorganise the papers on my desk you just rummaged through, I'll still know your weird hand signal means you've forgotten the name of the client you're about to meet with and hand you their file.

And yes, I do know how to fix the photocopier when it jams in the middle of that huge mailout. Again.

Just hire me already!!!

Quixotic