Have a little faith...

Well, hi there! After another marathon session of blog-abstinence, I thought it high time I wander back on over.

So how's things? Everyone good? Yeah... cool. Oh me? Oh you know, not much, this and that, running round after GG, the usual... oh there is one little thing - I GOT A PERMANENT JOB!!!!!!!

Honestly, the relief is amazing! I feel a sense of security, and hopefulness, now that I can actually plan out a budget and do all those little things, like buy food and electricity.

It's very full on, I get up at 5.30am and rush, rush, rush til I put GG to bed at 7.30/8.00pm. Then I try and get some stuff done around the house (quietly!) before I pass out at a nanna-worthy bedtime. It's not ideal, but it's what we need right now, so I imagine I will stick around til GG starts school in a little over a year.

THUMP!!!!

What was that sound you wonder?? That was me falling out of my fucking chair that my tiny little baby will start school IN A LITTLE OVER A YEAR!!!!!!! The last year of kid-dom feels like it passed in oh, about a week, so it will be no time before I'm covering books in contact and trying not to cry at the school gate.

There's no way I will subject her to before-school care, going to school, after-school care and then maybe an hour or so with Mum before bed (all whilst I'm trying to get dinner, bath her etc.), so we will have to re-visit our situation then, it's just not fair to her, to start this major chater in her life without more support from me.

At least for now we can start paying off some debt and have a decent Christmas.

This really couldn't have come at a better time. I had been trying so hard to stay postive, to trust that everything would work out, but it had gotten to the point where I was starting to question myself. Was I a total idiot for thinking this way? To trust in God or the Universe or Dr Phil that everything would be okay if I had faith and stayed positve, what sort of ludicrous, deluded thinking is that? Shouldn't I be running around shrieking. "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!!!", dissolving into hysterics and hating my life?

Nope, apparently not. Faith is the way to go it seems, it'll just test your resolve til you get there.

A bit of an asshole, Faith is, it seems. Playing with you like that, toying with your emotions.

Second time's the charm.

Okay, calm down, calm down everyone, I know you're all excited to hear from me after so long, but let's maintain order, orright? You there, stop screeching...  that's better. And you lot - stop letting off those fireworks, you hear? It's just little old me, no need to get so excited... jeesh!!!

Okay, we all good? Back in your seats? Okay then...

So as you might have noticed, I have indeed been absent from this blog for a couple of weeks. Stupid irritating little things have been interrupting me and keeping me away - things like trying to find a job, keeping our house running on a shoestring budget, yada, yada, yada....

You may remember when my last job hit a surprise ending and knocked me for six. One of the upshots of that was telling GG I would be spending the next while hanging out with her and watching her little face absolutely light up as she threw herself into me and gave me such a fierce hug I thought she might burst! Since I had been working full-time, I noticed that she had become quite clingy, always (literally) hanging off me when we were home, and not even wanting to stay over at her cousins house - usually a favourite treat. She had also become quite whiny, but that could also have just been a "Hey, I'm three and this is how we three year olds roll" kinda thing...

So fast forward a few weeks, over 40 job applications, seven new grey hairs and a partridge in a pear tree, I find a job. It's a contract for a few months to cover a girl's maternity leave, though it may turn into something more...

It's also full time.

Yep, after the last job eff-up, and then having to turn down a full time job I was offered because the travel time meant I would have to be dropping GG off in the morning before she'd gone to bed the night before (cold meds may lead to slight exaggerations), I had decided to pursue only part-time jobs. Thing is part-time jobs are like hen's teeth, and there are approximately eleventy billion trillion women all wanting to work part-time.

So necessity over-rides good intentions yet again.

I have just finished my first week, and yeah, yeah the job is fine and all that, but more importantly, so it seems is GG!

Me being me, I had worked myself into a lather over the harm I would be inflicting on my poor, innocent child. Me and my selfish materialistic need to pay the bills would mean she would be flung back into a world of abandonment, clinginess, insecurity and wanting to stay up all night just to have my attention. Okay, okay, so my reservations may not have been entirely unselfish concern for my child.

Instead, GG did what she specialises in doing, she surprised me.

When I told GG that I would be going back to work, she was entirely non-fussed. When I prompted her about how she felt about it, she simply replied that, "Well I will still see you ebrey night, right?". I have been

spending the week on tenterhooks, waiting to some sign of her backsliding and... nothin'... she's fine. She's happy, independent, even at the kindy drop off which she's sometimes a bit teary at, she just charges up to the window that overlooks the car park so she can wave goodbye. She has even planned a sleepover for next week!

Maybe those horrible weeks of the first job were just her getting adjusted? Maybe the fact I finish earlier and am picking her up by 5pm and we get that little extra time together makes the difference? Either way, life is good right now and I refuse to sit around looking over my shoulder waiting for "something bad" to happen like I have been lately whenever life is good.  I'm just gonna enjoy it. And maybe send some wishes out to the Universe that the girl I'm replacing only wants to come back part-time and we can job share.

Not too much to ask, is it?

The Universe's Plaything

It seems once more I find myself caught in a plot twist in the cosmic sit-com I'm sure my life actually is.

The contract I had with Centrelink that I had to guarantee I would be available for to see out the entirety of? Til October? Gone.

Yep, on Wednesday we were all (20 odd temps in 2 teams) called into a meeting and told that due to operational requirements we would all no longer be required as of close of business the next day.

Talk about stunned.

Some people got upset. A few cried. Some people got angry. A few people walked out.

Me? I went and got back on the phones. I needed the money.

By the time I got home Hubby had gotten over being angry on my behalf and was actually quite Zen about the whole thing. Sure, financially we were screwed, but hey, as a family we weren't coping so well with me working full time, so maybe this was for the best. Hubby has a tendency to focus on the negatives of a situation, so you can imagine how proud of him I was, and how supported I felt. You can also probably imagine the reward it got him. (Hey, we were too stressed out to sleep anyway...)

So I spent Thursday night doing the job search hokey-pokey and made plans to spend today with GG, catching up with some friends and their kids I haven't seen for ages. We decided to focus on part-time roles, as that's really is what's best for our family. I talked myself back into a state of positivity and convinced myself this was all for the best, something would work out.

Then, this morning I got a call from the agency that placed me at Centrelink offering me a 4 week contract. Cue immediate relief.

A 4 week contract a mere 2 hours travel away. Would take 2 hours by train or even if I drove. That's 2 hours each way. Cue terror.

Thing is, I can't afford (literally) to be picky. I need to be working right now. And there are just no jobs available on the Coast. Even though it means catching the train at 6.30 in the morning and not getting home til 7pm. Sigh. I took the job.

Then I panicked at 5 minutes to 5.00pm and nearly pulled out. Then I convinced myself it'd be okay. Then I panicked again and convinced myself GG would hate it, I was a horrible Mum. Then I went a little nuts. Then I called my husband.

He talked me down off my little ledge, reminded me that we had already talked this through, re-assured me he would re-arrange his days so that he could drop GG off on her kindy days as well as pick her up.

In the end, we decided that I would do it for a week. The agency rep is doing a site visit Thursday, and if I'm finding it too much, I will let her know then, so she has 2 days to find my replacement. That seems fair. I can do one week at least, even if it is Hell on Earth, I can do one crappy week for the good of my family.

So I enjoyed every minute of my day with GG today, and will continue to over the weekend. This afternoon, while she rode her bike at the park with me walking beside her, I bought up the topic:

"GG, you know how Mummy has been working a lot the last few weeks?"

"Uh-huh. Hey! Look! A puppy!"

"Yeah, lots of puppies here, it's a dog park remember? He's a cutie isn't he?"

"Yep. Cute."

"Yeah, anyway, so you know how Mummy has been going to work?"

"Uh-huh. Oh! Look! Another puppy!!"

I'm gunna fast forward a little here...

"Do you miss Mummy when she goes to work?"

"Yeah, sometimes."

"Yeah, I miss you sometimes too. Well, for the next few weeks, I'm going to be working even more, but only for a very little while. You'll still see me every night, and of course weekends, but you might have dinner at Grandmas before Mummy gets you sometimes."

"Oh."

"But remember, it'll only be for a little while. And we'll still see each other every night."

"Oh. I still see you ebry night?"

"Yep, every night. And don't forget the weekends. And, after that little while, Mummy is going to take a whole week off, and we'll do heaps of stuff together! What do you think?"

GG turned to look at me, her little face incredibly thoughtful, and unless I'm deluding myself, very wise.

"Oh-tay. Oh look!!! A puppy!!!"

Are you a Rocker or a Roller?

There are a million different "types" of people and personalities out there (or 16 if you ask Myers-Briggs) but for me, they all boil down to two main aspects. When faced with a challenge, or something new, people either react positively, or negatively.

Some people react like a rock, refusing to budge in their ways and their thinking, staying obstinately in one place and letting life bash away at them until they are eroded away.

Others prefer to roll with it; they go with life's flow and adapt to changing situations.

There are some things that are worth refusing to budge on of course; you shouldn't compromise or change your core principles just because they are hard to stick to. But in my experience, Rockers tend to view everything negatively, fearfully and with suspicion.

Rollers tend to be more positive in general, sometimes naively so, but view the world with enthusiasm and relish new things.

I seem to have come upon a lot of Rockers lately, and find myself very drained by them. I have quite a bit on my plate at the moment, and don't have the energy to expend on fighting off their bad ju-ju. It has gotten to me a little of late, and I've fallen in the trap of thinking negatively, expecting the worst.

I have learnt through bitter experience how poisionous negativity can be; how it can lead to depression, anger and hopelessness. So I am not going to let it take hold. I am going to continue to enjoying the work I'm doing, it's not all beer and skittles, but I do feel like I am helping people, and enjoying the human aspect of it. I refuse to be sucked into bitching and moaning about things. As Alice Grist writes via her post on Sharnanigans, life could be a lot worse, I could be buried in sand up to my neck, being stoned to death.

I'm not going to moan about how I miss time with GG, instead, I am going to be grateful I have a lovely, healthy, clever, happy and adaptable child to snuggle up with and breathe in her delicious smell. I'm going to be appreciative of my wonderful husband, who works so hard at two jobs and look forward to the time very soon we can spend more time together, proud of how hard we have worked for our family.

Workin' 9 to 5... and then some!

Oh man! This week has been FULL ON!!

I started my full time job on Monday, which will be in a call centre for a Government department, and the training has been... umm, intense. We are not only receiving training in the computer system, but the appropriate programs, benefits, eligibility, rates, thresholds and legislation that apply. Plus, I've never worked in a call centre before, so I am getting my head around the computerised phone systems, workflows, scripts etc. My brain is f.r.i.e.d. Plus I am pretty daunted by the fact that tomorrow afternoon I will be finished training and out there on the phones! Eeek! People, calling, and expecting someone who knows the answers!

I'd love to tell some funny and entertaining stories about the people in my training group and the stories we have been told as dire warnings about why not to do a certain thing, but to be honest, I am so tired and have so much still to do, it's all I can do to just check in with you guys. I have some stuff planned for the weekend though, hang in there!

I don't know how Mums work full time without help, I really don't. GG goes to kindy twice a week, and my Mum has risen graciously to the occasion and looked after her the other three days. As of next week, my Aunt will look after her Tuesdays. Without them, and their valuable help, not only would it hardly be worth me working after the cost of child care, I don't think I would like GG in kindy for a full five days; I feel much better about her getting one-on-one, loving attention from a family member she knows and loves, plus who knows and respects how I raise her.

My husband works a full time day job with big hours, plus a night job two nights a week and Saturdays, so I don't ask him to help out at home at all, though he likes to give GG her bath to help me out, and of course he can play with her while I'm cleaning up after dinner etc., which makes life easier.

Of course, I am still having to cook dinners (except for when Mum gives it to me like tonight, thanks Mum!!), do dishes, laundry (and of course it's rained all week), ironing, prepare lunches and make sure the poor dog, who has been cooped up inside all day because it's been raining, gets walked and has a chance to run in the park. At the moment, I drive straight home from work, pick up the dog, drive him to the park, let him have a quick ten minute run around while I review my training from the day, get back in the car, go pick up GG, come home, spend some time re-connecting with GG, then get her settled and off to bed (easier said than done, for the last few months we've been back to letting her fall asleep on the couch), then try and get some housework done.

Aside from all this, I have been dealing with helping GG deal with now having a Mum who works full time. She has done really well actually, I explained to her earlier on Monday that as well as going to kindy and playing with her friends like normal, for the next little while, her Grandma and Aunty were going to be looking after her a lot more than usual, but we would still be having dinner together all the time like usual, and have time to play in the evening. She took that in pretty well, though this morning when she woke up to find me getting ready for work, she did ask, with a sad little face, "Mummy, are you going to work again today?"

I replied that yes, I was, but Grandma was going to take her to coffee this morning (we usually attended this regular Thursday morning coffee group of Mum's friends together) and then she would get to go to the shops. Then I reminded her that it was only a couple of days til the weekend, and distracted her by getting her to think up some fun things for us to do together then.

This worked reasonably well, but didn't stop me feeling guilty about spending so muhc time away from GG. She's a pretty obliging kid, but she's definitely a Mummy's girl, and I hope she continues to deal so well with me being away, and doesn't get upset when she realises it will be this way fro quite a while (4 months). I feel guilty giving GG this extra thing to deal with, but I must admit I feel so much relief that I will be earning really good money for a while, which will let us catch up financially and is desperately needed.

Geez, I hope this gets easier!!

For your viewing pleasure...

Sometimes I am quite sure my life is some sort of cosmic sit-com, a la The Truman Show, where I reel from one crisis to another, all for the entertainment of some faceless, feckless deity who's sitting there mindlessly eating Pringles and texting their mates.

There's no other explanation really.

Remember this post, where I was getting all panicky and panty-twisty (thanks Gucci) about returning to full time work? Sure you do. I worked myself up into a total state, wracked with guilt over leaving Hannah, twisted with self-doubt as to whether I was even capable of the job.

Slowly, I came around, got down off my little ledge, convinced myself that it would be fine. No Bad Things would happen. I wasn't a bad, neglectful Mum abandoning her daughter; she would be in loving family care, except for her normal kindy days, I would be showing her that women can be mothers and have jobs outside the home, and I would be putting food on the table. We would all be fine and certainly, the bank balance would be a lot healthier.

Then, the Government department I was going to work for scrapped the project I would have been part of. Job gone.

I was flung back into a despair so angsty Edward Cullen would've eaten his left arm to be with me. I felt like a failure yet again for not being able to contribute financially to our desperately lean household. I felt desperate, scared and kind of pissed off. How can it be this hard for an intelligent, capable and willing woman to find a bloody job!?!?!

Then, there was probably an ad break.

Next, like a little ray of hope, I was asked to come for an interview next Monday for a part-time job I had applied for. Awesome!!! Now, your sit-com heroine has learnt her lesson though, people; I remained calm, I did not pin all my hopes and expectations on this interview. I did not take it as a forgone conclusion that once they had met me they would ask, nay beg me, to join their team. I played it cool, but secretly, was really, really hoping it would pan out, as the job is practically perfect for me.

I did however convince myself that it was all a sign, the Universe telling me that I wasn't meant to be working full-time, especially not so far away from home, and that it must mean there was something even better out there, just around the corner.

The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that I would stick to the search for a part-time job, it was only responsible after all, to be present more for my daughter's sake.

Just before the credits roll however, we need to have a twist. My trusty employment agency guy, who I had forgiven for the scrapped job dealy, rang and asked would I like to be put forward for another contract role he has just been given, this time as a customer service officer for Centrelink and Family Assistance (welfare office for my non-Oz homies). It did cross my mind that perhaps that's a bit like working in the unicorn section of a pet store, but hey, a job's a job! I'm actually a bit of a customer service nut, and thought maybe I could be a shining beacon of change for a jaded organisation, revolutionising the entire system. Humble I'm not.

Of course, this role would be full-time, but not as far from home, located only about 20 minutes away (in Bogan Headquarters, but I'm hoping this will just mean more blog fodder!!). I now needed to re-evaluate - did I want to stick with the program of looking for part-time work, or chase the prospect of a real, live job? Again I gnashed, worried, umm-ed and aw-ed, and decided to ask to be put forward. I am simply not in the position to not try my damndest to get any job going.

So he emailed me some testing and aptitude stuff, I did it at the kitchen table after I'd scraped off the dried up Play-Do and sculled a coffee for confidence.

And today, I was offered the contract! Full-time until October, possibility of being hired on by the Department if I am a go-getterer type, and full training provided at the outset.

Of course, my first day of work co-incides with the day of my interview for the part-time role, doesn't it? Of course it does!!!! Of course it bloody does!!!!

I tried sussing out whether I would be able to start the next day, or have the afternoon off (I used a Doctors appointment as a reason), but to no avail. I rang the company I had an interview with to ask if I could re-schedule. Left a voicemail message for the HR chick with no reply so far.

Gah!!!!!! Could someone give me next weeks script please, so I can at least be prepared?

Panic Stations!

So it seems I have found myself a job. Well, really, it found me. I went along to an employment agency (actually one I used to work for when I was a recruiter!) for one job; a temp admin officer role for my local City Council and ended up with a whole 'nother job! Turns out just before I turned up for the interview, they had gotten a role in that nicely combines my training credentials (that I've barely used) with my knowledge of bookkeeping software (that I haven't used for years. Ahem).

So now I'm panicking on two fronts, possibly three. Actually, more like four.

One, I'm not totally convinced I'm up for the job. Sure, I will be given a crash-course in the software, and I do have the theoretical knowledge of how to train, but still. Eeek! I am trying to remind myself that I do best when given a challenge I need to live up to, and having faith that my brain and ability to take advantage of other people's skills adapt quickly will see me through.

Two, it's a full time job. The first I've had since having GG. This is what really scares me. Yes, I know she's three now, and it's not like she's a tiny baby anymore, but I am really worried about how this will affect us. I know I will miss the time away from her, and I know I am lucky that instead of having to put her in kindy full-time (thus negating it even being worth working anyway), I have a great family who are willing to look after my little Gorgeous Girl, and so I am slightly reassured that she will still have that loving, one-on-one care that young kids need.

But I'm still going to be basically giving up being the main person responsible for caring for her, day to day. Up til now, even though she has been going to kindy two days a week since she was about a year old (three days for a while there when I was living in Brisbane and working part-time), I have been the person responsible for those little ways we all have, the little rituals and sayings and ways that become our memories of our childhoods. I have been the one to teach her and encourage her, read to her, all those things. I have been the one to set the limits of how I would like her to act, and to reinforce those, now I'm giving up control of that, and relying on others to shape her behaviour.

Having just re-read this, I'm aware of how melodramatic I am being, and how I am over-reacting, but it's how I feel right now, like I'm about to give up a big part of being a Mum.

The good part is I guess, is that I am the one who will suffer the most being away from GG. She herself will be going to play with her kindy friends like always, and hanging out the other days with some of her favourite people, no doubt being spoiled and indulged.

The saving grace of all this (apart from the much needed financial boost of course!) is that it's a contract role. We're still hashing out the details of how long for etc., and it's true I am hoping it will convert into a permanent role, but I will probably try to negotiate a part-time role moving forward, once the money earned by working full-time has helped us catch up.

So the third reason I'm panicking? It's nearly an hour's drive away. This means not only am I away from GG every weekday, but for a significant length of time each day.

Four, what the hell will I wear?

My Kitchen May Be Bi-Polar

Actually, my entire house is probably schizophrenic, given the mish-mash state it lives in now. The joys of juggling working outside and inside the home.

This morning I had one of those moments when one minute you're simply swiping off some crumbs from the toaster, the next your pulling apart that whole corner of the kitchen and scrubbing everything within an inch of it's life. I lifted up the toaster, and could've crumbed a bronto-burger with what was under there! And I swear I found intelligent life in the back corner...

Anymould, as usual the job needing to be done far outweighed the time I had to do it in, so I settled for a having half a clean kitchen and ran out the door.

On my return home, I marched into the kitchen ready to tackle the other bench... and.... made a cup of tea and fired up the laptop instead!!! Hey people, I said I found balance, not turned into Martha cold-dead-heart Stewart!

So, for your voyeristic pleasure...

Ah, order, peace and serenity...

Oh, good God, make it go away!

Ah well, maybe I'll get a burst of energy to tackle the rest shortly. Once I've put out the last load of laundry, put away yesterdays two loads, tidied the playroom, done the ironing, swept and mopped the floors and cleaned the bathrooms of course. Yeah, that'll happen.

Balancing Act

So you've probably noticed that I've not been posting as much.


Part of this is because I've been busy, but hey! Mums are always busy and it didn't stop me in the early days of my blog-addiction from getting out of bed at 1 in the morning after I'd just had an awesome idea for a post and didn't want to forget it. Yes, that actually happened... I'm not sure if I'm proud or ashamed of that... hmm...


Part of it is because I have been suffering from a distinct lack of inspiration and a significant dearth of post topics. Hmm.. could it be that I have finally got everything of my chest?? Heavens no, I'm much more opinionated than that - something is bound to piss me off soon, and I'll race to the laptop to frantically pound on the keyboard til the bad feelings go away.


I think mostly though, I have found (gulp) balance. That elusive middle ground that exists in between the very addictive nature I have, which had me gleefully grabbing the laptop the very second GG had gone to sleep or was otherwise occupied, and the guilt I used to feel when I ignored things that needed doing around the house, or even convinced GG to play by herself or watch a DVD so I could get that post that was scratching the inside of my head out there.


I have recently gone from two days a week to three at work, and am really noticing the difference. So is my house. I have a lovely little vegetable garden, which used to give me so much satisfaction when I would bring in my home-grown organic food to feed my family, but my last harvest was a couple of months ago, and I am yet to re-plant anything. This is partly because of the scorching summer we have just had, and partly because everything needs to be pulled out, turned over, re-planted and re-mulched, and it's kind of a daunting job.

I have also noticed that even though I am away from my Gorgeous Gal an extra day, on the days I am home, I am much more engaged, and more likely to be found sitting on the floor playing. I know she still has me four days week, and of course every morning and night-time, but sometimes I really feel like I’m not getting much time with her, and so I find it easier to be patient and calm, as well as fun and playful, and just drink in the time we have together, just us.

So now the pull of the blog-o-sphere isn't so strong; GG is getting more quality time, I will eventually sort out both my garden and the laundry pile and balance has been restored to my universe. Looks like the only person missing out is... you, dear reader.