Well, thanks very much U.N.E.

So if the tension between stay-at-home mums and working Mums wasn't bad enough, that venerable institution, the University of New England has released a study that is sure to fan the flames.

They claim that mothers who work part-time have healthier children. Something about eating less junk food and watching less TV. Now, as a Mum who happens to work part-time, I'd love to accept this as universally true, but what rot! How on earth would these researchers know? Clearly these (no doubt Government funded) intellectual colossuses haven't been spending much time at my house. Since I've started working again, and especially since I've gone up to 3 days per week, GG has eaten a lot more pre-packaged or processed foods, simply because I often don't have time to cook dinner from scratch the days I work. As for TV, if it wasn't for Hi-5 DVDs, I'd never get ready in the morning!!

So now if you work full-time, outside the full time job all Mums have that is, or stay at home, you have fat, lazy kids huh? Gee, I love generalisations. And won't it be lovely to have this splashed about all over the media, we all know how they love responsible reporting, and care deeply about the feelings over Mothers all over the globe.

When are we going to realise that parenting is an individual pursuit, some are great at it, others notsomuch, but it has nothing to do with paid employment, marital status, socio-economic parameters, race, religion, creed or colour of toenail polish! Sheesh!

The sooner women stop focusing on what we are doing differently as parents, and focus on what we share, supporting each other instead of snidely judging the decisions of others to feel better about our own, the sooner we will rule the world. Or at least get paid maternity leave.

My Smug/Crap List

Having just about finished reading Mia Freedman's book, Mama Mia (and having very little on my mind for once that's blog-worthy), I have decided to directly steal an idea from her. I'm sure she won't mind, as she says (about the magazine and TV industry): 'There are no new ideas, only recycled ones'.

The concept of the Smug List and Crap list is that every mother has an internal list in her head, where she judges herself on what she feels she has done well as a mother, and what she feels guilty about.

I was so impressed with Mia's honesty throughout her book, but especially in regards to this. It's really our most vunerable self, admitting what we feel we have failed at within motherhood. I wish more women would be brave enough to admit they feel insecure, and maybe even guilty, over certain aspects of their parenting, instead of engaging in Competitive Mothering and trying to out-do each other with their perfect babies who only eat organic, home-made meals, sleep all night and have learned baby-signing by 3 weeks of age. We should be REAL, talk about the things we are having trouble with, and instead of feeling shamed or inadequate, be supported and encouraged within the tribe.

So in the spirit of bravery and sharing Mia has inspired, here is my Smug / Crap List.

I feel Smug about... you know, I don't like the word smug, I'm going to call it Proud... I feel Proud that:

• I am an engaged Mum, often found sitting on floor, deeply entrenched in whatever game GG and I have cooked up.
  
• GG has lovely manners, is bright, funny, cheeky, charming and happy (mostly). I'm choosing to take credit for this.
  
• I breastfed GG for 10 months, through inverted nipples, intense pain, cracked and bleeding nipples the whole 10 months and 3 bouts of mastitis.
  
• I home-made GG's food with organic vegies for the first year of her life. She still has mainly home-made, nutritious food, with the occasional McDonalds fries or sweet treat to keep life interesting.
  
• I am imaginative and playful, making up silly songs, stories and games to play with GG (or get her to brush her teeth).
  
• We moved back to the Gold Coast mainly for GG, so she could grow up in a big, close, loving family, with lots of access to her grandparents, aunts and cousins. The fact that we love it here is a bonus.
  
• GG is very helpful, something I have developed and encouraged, even though it meant taking 45 mins to empty a dishwasher, endless re-folding of laundry GG has 'helped' me put away and entire mornings spent hanging out one load of laundry. It's paying off nicely now though :o)
  
• I am patient (mostly)(with GG, not other members of humanity), and it actually takes a fair bit for me to get cranky or yell at GG.
  
• I have encouraged GG to have a love of reading and books, like every woman in my family.

I feel Crap that:

• I allowed myself to be scared into a caesarian I now think I probably didn't need. I still feel like I never really 'earned my stripes' by having a 'proper labour'. Actually, I've never experienced labour and I feel like I've missed out on something.
  
• Despite several attempts and short-lived successes, GG is a terrible sleeper, and she has taken to coming into our bed again, and I am too tired and disheartened to stop her.
  
• Despite promising when I started blogging that I would only do it when GG was asleep, I now blog when she is awake and we could be playing together. I actually keep an old laptop under the TV cabinet for GG to play on, whilst I play on my computer.
  
• I wish I listened to my instinct more and refused to believe that GG's screaming as a baby was 'just colic', even when the Doctors told me so. I feel bad that she was 6 months old when she was finally diagnosed with a wheat intolerance, all that pain needlessly inflicted on her.
  
• There are days when GG has had cereal for dinner.
  
• I (like Mia) actually like that GG has a tan. I think she looks so cute and outdoorsy and Aussie with it. Others will point out the potential skin damage.
  
• I pretty much constantly have the TV on in the background. GG doesn't watch a whole lot now, but I'm betting she'll be a TV addict too when she grows up.
  
• Even though I know she has an awesome time, and is gaining great knowledge there, I still feel awful whenever GG cries when I leave her at kindy.
  

So there you have it folks, my innermost feelings about my most important job. I would love for any other Mums to share something they are especially proud of (or a bit guilty about), but there are rules for any commenters - NO JUDGING!!!

Judge not? Or Speak Up?

I've had a few experiences over the last few days that make me wonder when I should stop "not judging" others and tell them they're freakin crazy.

Now, I am in no danger of ever being accused of being timid; I speak up for myself, I call a spade a spade (or as my darling Mother once said while listening to my sister and I bitch about a home-wrecking acquaintance, I'm known to call a spade a whore), but I have been on a whole jag lately about not judging other people's decisions. This shift came about in force when I had GG, and became sick to death of poh-faced bitches smugly patting each other on the back or stabbing each other in the same region, based purely on whether they used cloth nappies or disposable, breast fed or bottle fed, you get the drift. I decided that we women need to band together and stop judging each other over the decisions we make in our lives. For more ranting on this, see here.

Lately however, I'm beginning to wonder if my decision to stop telling people exactly what they are doing wrong in their lives has directly contributed to the collapse of civilisation as a whole. I'm certainly not going to turn into one of those poh-faced bitches, but maybe there are certain things that it's our duty to speak up about and say "Hey! This is not okay, WTF are you thinking?". I've known people who smoked during their pregnancy, I heard someone talk about how their cute little kitty-cat sleeps in the cot with their baby, you might remember this post about an 8 year old terrorising his sister while driving a ride-on lawnmower, and I've overheard Mums in parents rooms discussing some pretty shocking tactics to get babies to stop crying at night... like leave them in their vomit-soaked cot til morning, they'll get the picture eventually.

In my better moments, I like to think we are all citizens of a global village, sharing and caring, with a responsibility to all earth's children, la la la, granola, organic cotton, free trade, save the world. Maybe there are certain things we are supposed to speak up about, maybe if enough people speak up about them, there will be a stigma attached to them and people might stop doing it. Or maybe I'll get my head smacked in by some scrubber blowing smoke in her baby's face while bitching her Baby Daddy spent her beer money on dope.

You know what though? Bring it on. Next time I see someone doing something that is not just a benign lifestyle or parenting decision, but dangerous or stupid, you better believe I'm gunna be that loudmouth bitch telling you exactly what kind of fool you are. Maybe, just once, I might talk someone out of their ignorance and into a better decision.

Better brush up on my jiu-jutisu just in case though.

Hear no, See no, Speak no

Usually, I have pretty clear cut opinions on just about everything. From the Copenhagen summit (don't start) to the perfect flavour combination for my gelato (macadamia and honey, natch). But today, I heard about a situation, and I really don't know what the right thing to do is.

My mother lives in a sort of rural/suburban area, lots of acreage blocks, friendly neighbours, quite a community feel about the place. And yesterday, she witnessed something that really disturbed her. Made her blood run cold actually. There's a family in the area that are a bit infamous for letting their 4 young children play on their ride-on lawnmower, sometimes with the mower blades engaged, actually mowing the lawn, sometimes with them not engaged, just tooling around the house block (and the street!!). Okay, not my cup of tea, but it's obviously their decision to let them, no good letting the villagers and their pitchforks go forth just yet.

But yesterday, while the boy, probably around 8, was driving (read:hooning) around on the lawnmower, completely unsupervised, his young sister, maybe 3 or 4 was HANGING OFF THE FRONT OF IT BY HER HANDS, UPSET AND SCREAMING TO GET OFF. Mower blades engaged or not, had her hands slipped, the is no doubt she would have been run over. 4 or 5 young girls riding their horses past had stopped and were staring in confusion and shock. It wasn't til a car driving past stopped and beeped their horn, yelling for the boy to stop, that the boy did in fact stop, and let his terrified sister off.

While this incident was bad enough, others in the neighbourhood have noticed the same boy chasing his sister down the road, her on her bike, wobbly as hell after just having her training wheels removed, him not even looking as he chased her down on the mower, more concerned with yelling at his other brother.

The young girl has also been spotted riding her scooter down the middle of the road (steep hill and all), no adult or sibling in sight, about 200 metres from her home. This is a pretty isolated area, and apart from being smeared all over the road by one of the hoons who careen around the area, God knows what else could have happened to her: snakebite, abduction, indoctrination into the Liberal party...

Now, my immediate urge after hearing about this was to go visit this family, kick in the door, and bash the parents heads together until they saw fit to actually do something towards increasing their children's life expectancy, instead of apparently actively encouraging Darwinian theory.

Generally, I believe that the safety of all children is the business of everyone. It takes a village and all that. What's that quote? It is a greater sin to witness evil (or child endangerment) and do nothing, than do to the evil (or the endangering).

But when my Mum asked for advice as to whether she should say something to this family or not, I wavered. What would it actually achieve? A word from her, and they change their whole parenting style? She has to live in this neighbourhood, what if it started some sort of feudal retribution? Ths is my Mum, my sweet beautiful Mum, who is lovely and nuturing and caring and what if this dipshit parent starts screaming at her? Maybe I should go with her? Maybe we should send an anonymous letter? Call DOCS? Call Today Tonight? Call Jerry Springer?

I really am torn - what would you do?

Schadenfreude

A few months ago, I met a friend of a friend and her little girl, about 18 months old. I remember being instantly envious of this chick; she was attractive, slim and toned, had great hair, nice clothes etc.

I heard through my friend the other day that she's struggling a bit with motherhood. And do you know what my first reaction was? Sympathy? Nup. Wry empathy? Not even. It was smugness. "Oh, is little Miss Trendy Princess finding it hard with one kid, no job and a great hubby?"

As soon as I felt it, I squashed it, and then felt terribly guilty. I have railed before at how stupid it is for women and mothers to judge each other, and here I go doing exactly that. It's poisonous, and really pisses me off, so why the hell was that my first reaction?

Was it because I didn't really warm to her? Does that somehow mean she doesn't deserve any sympathy from the one group of people who know how hard it can be? That, however rewarding, motherhood can sometimes be sheer bloody hard graft, an endless stretch of sleep deprivation, drudgery, frustration and feeling lost at sea. What sort of bitch would feel some sort of sick schadenfreude that another woman was suffering?

Was it to make me feel better about the job I'm doing? If so, why can't I be proud of the job I'm doing as a Mum without feeling smug that someone else might not be. Believe me, I've struggled some days, and I was even told afterwards that my Mum had everyone on PND-watch with me, because I was the personality type most at risk of this; controlling, perfectionist, need to be good at everything and don't like asking for help type. The first couple of weeks of motherhood slapped that right outta me though, and I am actually pretty proud of the job I'm doing as a Mum. So why couldn't I feel the sympathy I feel for this woman straight off the bat? Am I really a nasty piece of work, or is this Mums-judging-Mums thing that I hate more part of our nature than I thought?